when I find the lost child in the kindergarten

have you ever lost yourself? how do you find something that's lost?

I believe children are usually quarantined in places like kindergartens because adults fear the overwhelming soulfulness of children. are children not a representation of everything we lost and everything we can't afford anymore? as unfair as it's, it kind of makes sense that adults put all those ridiculous burden on the children because they envy their pureness. learn to be economical. learn to be manipulative. learn to be cautious. learn to be possessive. learn to not live. we made you in our image and you have to be as miserable as us. I believe it's exactly what god feels about us.

when I talk about existential crisis, I don't mean the kind where you don't know why you exist or when you're confused about your identity. I don't know why I exist. I'm confused about my identity. and it's ok. it doesn't matter. I genuinely don't care whatever grand plans god has for me or whatever grand arrangement of molecules god assembled to contain my soul. the thing is my existential crisis won't go away even if I know why I exist or know who I'm.

I want to be virtuous regardless of who I'm or why I exist. I aim to be virtuous. I've been punished and tormented all my life just because I was virtuous. I betrayed the pursuit of virtue at times just because I wanted to fit in or because I was simply tired of being punished. of course I regret not being virtuous more than anything. I accept myself and I accept my sins. I accept how ugly I'm. I accept how horrible I'm. I accept how shameful I'm. I accept how suffocating I'm. it's the difference between me and an adult. I'm not hiding behind trivial conditions.

the kind of existential crisis I'm talking about is where I simply don't want to exist regardless of who I'm or why I exist. I know better than anyone how tiring I'm. I'm tired of myself. but it's more than my identity. I'm tired. I'm tired of existing. I'm tired of being concerned about trivial conditions. I don't want to experience trivial shallow experiences normal human adults think they want.

when I say I want to be virtuous, I mean I want to dance with maths. I want to be in love. I want to create art. I want to be free. I want to be magical. I want to be intimate. I want to be passionate. I want to be dispossessed. here comes the dilemma. I can't be virtuous without existing. my entire life can be simplified into a seemingly endless fight between wanting to not exist and wanting to be virtuous. a fight between contradictory desires. it's not a fight between virtue and tiredness. it's a fight between the desire to be virtuous and the desire to not desire anything.

do we use love as an excuse for everything else? or do we use everything else as an excuse for love? I have to find the lost child in the kindergarten. I have to. I have to hug the lost child in the kindergarten. I don't want to abandon anything I love. yet I betrayed everything I love. I abandoned everything I love. I don't want to betray the lost child in the kindergarten. I don't want to abandon the lost child in the kindergarten. I don't want to be alone. I have to find the lost child in the kindergarten. why do I want to find someone that's lost, someone that doesn't want to be found? how do I find someone that's lost, someone that doesn't want to be found?

they were there. I saw them. I somehow knew they were my friends. I didn't need to know who I was to know that. "everything is ok," my friends repeated. again and again. I didn't believe them. don't ask me why. I didn't believe them. why are you telling me everything is ok if everything is ok? I want to find myself. I want to be found. find me. "everything is ok and we're here," they repeated. again and again. I can't tell you how tired I'm of you all. but I want you to know I love you. with all my love and more. not just because one of you is my twin. I want to scream "the internationale" from the top of my heart with you. I'd never want to hurt you no matter how hard it's to tolerate you. no matter how much I want to punch a bartender in the face. I'm sorry I hurt you. sometimes I wish I'd never been born at all.

I have to hide in the shadows. I'm not running away. I'm here. but hopefully not in your sight. please don't look at me. please wait until I win the fight against the shame of being me. I want to win the fight. how do you know when you win a fight in the shadows in solitude in silence? I can't scream. I can't open the bleeding heart. the battle song of the existential war is silence. I don't care if I'll ever be ok. I want to hug the lost child I'm the kindergarten. I want to be happy. I want to be virtuous again. I fear everything. but I don't fear myself. a therapy is most therapeutic when it's not seen as a therapy. despite all the ugliness in the world, this world is undescribably beautiful. not just because you're in it. not just because it's our world. I'm happy I was born. I'm happy I'm here. I met angels once and they told me there was nothing in paradise that wasn't boring.

let maths help you see. let love lighten my hiding place. let art paint the lost child in the kindergarten with my blood. let freedom tell you what you desire. I want you to know how beautiful you're. I want to see you happy surrounded by flowers. I want to see you smile. I want to see you laugh. I want to see you in all the comfort in the world. I'll give you a flower when I find the lost child in the kindergarten.