Leave your shoes outside (p.s I am sorry for those who had to read my story - things here are pure fictional because it is fun)

Leave your shoes outside

It was one of the frosty winter days in Ulsan. The place had always been congested with still figures. It seemed nothing really happened there. The sun stilled, the wind stilled yet drastic. People here were more like NPC, roaming on their own, preoccupied with trivial tasks. I was always isolated in a sense that I had been feeling superior and unique. It was to me that I was the peerless being, unseen, untouched, god-like presence among self-occupied, dull, innate souls. It was presumably to them that I might have had been indifferent, indistinguishable traveler who was to go, to move on. I solemnly missed my home where my presence was watched, ascertained by the existences to which I had needed not to consciously perceive. They had always been there. It had never been the raw meat. It was cooked and served to me regardless of my will – it was not a necessity anyway. I needed not to imagine the living cow when the beef was seasoned and luscious – the lusciousness could always conceal my obligation to grasp the existence and importance of by then alive cow or my sympathy. But here, everything was bloody raw meat. I had had to scrutinize every bit of it. That was to obscure my sense of dissociation in a rather hypocritical way. I was not to eat the meat raw by any mean. The blood-soaked meat which was not seasoned would have been haunted with the screams out of convulsion from its unwilling offeror. The blood was to be washed off as if I had been told “Deform those protein, melt those fat, you will be left with the smell of beef not that of metallic scented cow blood. There you are to devour the beef, not the cow. Are your doctors not obliged to administer anesthesia to your body when you are in intolerable pain?– the pain is there and you are not to suffer it. Does it make you an ignorant hypocrite? When you can’t, you are to intoxicate yourself with constrained insensitivity, whether the pain was inflicted on you or other. Bury it. Bury and go. Devour it I say. It would be sadistic of you to wish to be granted and blessed to devour it – that’s the thing. There are those – those who have filled their stomachs with beef, and yet are still hungry for cow’s pity. Those will be burnt in eternal hellfire. Or those might already be in hell for one must be as sinful as Satan to even dare to imagine this insurmountable impudence ”.
I was going back to dormitory after my 12 hours long lab works. It was around 11 or 12 at night. Unfinished, lingering, daunting feelings and thoughts were with me. It was one of the frosty winter days in Ulsan. The minus something temperate weather did not allow me to immerse myself in the smart phone. I was left alone with my thoughts and annoying sound of the voluminous winter jacket. It was neither a mope nor a walk. It wasn’t qualified as a mop for it had direction and it wasn’t qualified as a walk for I wasn’t taking that direction. Passing the bridge that spans across the river, I was about to pass the tall building of sport center. As it was approaching midnight, I did not see any campus dwelling people around. The piercing cold with dim streetlight made the light in the sport center standing out. There were people inside the building. Rather dazzling. More like a party. I contemplated. Was there any festival going? Somehow the warm light and sensational atmosphere was alluring to me. It was silent but I could imagine laughter, chatter and festive ambience. I was urged to go inside. Hesitated, for it was late, I stood outside peering the scene, half in admiration and half in awe-struck temperament. Convinced, I decided to go inside the building. A narrow lane ( I was not sure whether there was always that lane), led me to the building. Presently, I found myself checked in front of two young ladies. They were more like of cabin crews – elegant, sweet, indifferent, well-conformed and pretentious. They were smiling lustrously, instinctively. Behind them was a counter, something more like a reception counter. Behind the counter, I could see some people already.
“Is this kind of some festival?” I asked.
“Yes, you are very welcomed here. We welcome international students too” one of the ladies answered in the appealing tone. The other continued, “This is part of the festival. People including outsiders are allowed to play game there. Even children are there, you will see. If you are a student here, you are eligible to get 50% discount, please show us your ID if you are willing to”
“How much is the entrance fee?”
“That would be 10000 won. Everything inside is free ,in a sense, as you will not be allowed to bring anything outside. All will be yours there, not here. Gluttony is the deadly sin.”
“Is that sort kind of Squid Game” I asked in sarcasm.
They both laughed.
“Well, you know you don’t have to take every bit seriously. You can always say “어쩔 수 없어”. Those expressions elicit sublime existence and experience by the very limitation of them. This game indeed is meant to have fun. ”
“Card is alright?”
“Yes of course. Lemme help u”
The payment was settled.
“For the highest experiences, you will be needed to leave your jacket, bags and shoes here”
“Shoes?”
“yes shoes, especially. You have to leave your shoes outside”
“But those people are wearing shoes, not?” I pointed at the people.
“Yes, they sure are. You already misunderstood the game. You have been allowed to get anything there. It’s you who need to leave these things outside and take everything you want there. Shoes especially. Don’t we always conceive shoes as if they are our own feet. It seems you are very much attached to your shoes?”
My shoes were worn-out ones which I had been wearing for 4years.
“Maybe, those run-down shoes might have given you the wrong impression. I have hell less fondness to those shoes. If I can, I would trash them right away”
“you can’t, but u can still leave them during the game and get all those fancy shoes there”
“those ain’t real”
“you do talk funny, Customer-nim. Those experiences will be as real as your blood and flesh. The shoes may not be real – there’s no point to deny that. All those visions, sensations, excitements will be real. They will wrap the so-called reality to the extent that reality will no longer be questioned. You will no longer be interested in the shoes themselves. Time will go. Clock will tick and that”
“What is the deal then, what will the end results of this game? Or the rules are to be studied inside the game?”
“Acceptable question. The game is, first and foremost, to be played. There is no such thing as end goal here. The end is the mean and the mean is the end. When the time is up, the game will be force-stopped - you will be asked to leave the game. You can, of course, quit at any time - you cannot pause though. But I don’t think that’s what you may want to do, do you? Once you realize that everything you will be experiencing are not real, I won’t assume that you will drain your blood there”
“Anything else I need to know?”
“Custormer- nim, I have already explained you enough. Everything else is outside of my knowledge. You don’t blame me for what I don’t know.”
Presently, I took of my jacket and shoes and they redeemed them with regards, put them in a box.
“You may go inside now. You have two hours, Customer – nim” . They vowed me with due respect (this was Korean culture thing to vow and I was not sure whether this was out of respect or habit – which irritated me). I dismissed their vow with a nod. They both smiled as if it was synced, very automated.
With barefoot, I got inside the room. There was no partition to call it a room. After leaving my shoes outside, I was convinced that I attained another layer of space. To my surprise, from the inside, it was much different. Despite huddled people, let’s say game-players, the room was quiet, muted. I was there with my own breath. As if I were watching the movie with sound muted. The confinement of soundlessness was obnoxious. I had to talk to myself out loud to break the silence. The room was somewhat similar to the market place or arcade. There were some sort of desks which laid monitors and some gameplayers had been totally spellbound to them. Apparently, there were conversations going on. However, no one there seemed to hear me nor I did hear anything. Maybe, the voices were there but were filtered in such a way that they will be heard only to those who were to be heard. That was wise and merciful. The game was too short to hear everything anyway. If so, there was no voice which I was to listen. Did that mean I was alone in the game? It was deserted.
I wandered in the room, watching other gameplayers’ doings. In one of the monitors- desks, a woman was sitting. She was wearing headsets which were seemingly connected to the computer. There was no use to ask her, given that she would not be hearing me. I waited behind her. She was a very pale and thin, fragile looking woman of 40. Her hair was loosely tied with elastic band. She was wearing a plain flaxen dress which gave her a ghostly look. Just as I was scrutinizing her, she took off the headsets and stood up – about to leave. She glanced at me, in grief, weariness. I was not even sure whether she was looking at me or looking pass me for her eyes were such shadowy. She sobbed. I heard her sob. It was the first sound that came to my ears since the start of the game. It was her sob. The lamentable sob overwhelmed me. It saddened me. The woman was staring at me.
“Do you hear me?” she asked in awe.
“Yes, very well, sister, I heard you and your sob” I continued “Are you the mob or something? I am new to the game. Just quite a few minutes ago, I joined the game. I still do not understand the rules and everything” .
“I am also the gameplayer, time is almost up for me. I also do not know many of the game rules and so. I visit only here to use this feature “Converse 237” . it’s sad that this may be the last chance to play this game. It was said that the feature will be ended soon, how sad?” . She peeked back at the monitor and smiled wearily.
“Care to explain a bit about this, sister?”
“Of course, Converse 237 allows you to talk to someone which is no longer in this world – which means the deceased ones. Those headphones , I believe, when being worn and you will feel as if you are hypnotized. Any other technical details is not disclosed and I am afraid I can’t elaborate. You are only allowed to talk to only one person. They said one is already enough. You can use this feature as many times as you want, but you can only talk to one person each and every time.”
I was rather terror-stricken. There were so many of unrealities. Given that I was already in the game which was in a sense not real, everything I experienced there would also be not the realest things. It was not real, so, I would not be responsible for any of the actions taken there. I was presented with such rare chance to talk to the dead ones. The dead ones.,
“ I am to go” the woman touched the screen with her palm and whispered. I was not sure whether she was talking to me or saying goodbye to someone she had been conversing. Her mournful eyes made me extremely uncomfortable. I wished I could embrace her.
Presently, she smiled softly at me with consoling eyes.
“it was the grief”
There was a pause.
“it was the grief that made u hear my voice” she said rather rhetorically.
She continued “It was the grief that connect us. You could hear my sob which is unfiltered by the sob inside you. It disheartened me, too. My pain is so astringent that I have been wishing this whole time no one may suffer this pain. Maybe my wish was not to be fulfilled from the start. Off I go, time is ticking”
She looked at the bare feet of mine. I consciously rubbed my feet and smiled in embarrassment.
“There , there. You have not got your shoes yet? You can get shoes in the bazaar outside – not that outside, the reality – but the outside of room, in game. But you first want to converse with someone with this feature, I suppose so. You are very much free to use. Not so many people run into this feature. And as I said, this may be your first and last chance. That’s for your own good”
She gave a final glance at the monitor and smiled at me, very lustrously. She could have been very pretty a good ten years ago.
“Good bye, sister” she left as I greeted. I watched her exit using the same counter I came in.
I sat down in the chair provided and put on the headsets. There was a tune playing. The monitor showed “close your eyes, relax your body and just you imagine the one you would like to converse”. I contemplated. There could have been no one but my own father who passed away a good seven years ago. It was not that I missed him. It was that I wanted to talk to him. It was not that I wanted him to come back to life. It was that I had never wanted him to be dead.
“Dialing Customer-nim’s father”. Sentence appeared on the screen. Amazed, I was agitated. The music had stopped. I almost forgot my father’s voice. But I was sure as hell I would recognize his voice. A good seven years ago. After a short while of silence, there was a deep voice of my father.
“that’s damn hot, the heat of April in Yangon, how can I even rest”
It was not like a phone call. He was not answering me at all. It occurred to me that he had been there already. He was very casual.
“Phay, phay, can you hear me? I am your younger daughter; don’t you recognize my voice?”
There was no sound at all. Very silent.
“Who? haha” . Dad chuckled.
“Phay, you heard me, right? Please answer me”
“I can hear you very well. You are right just in front of me, I hear you of course”
Strange enough, I did not see him. The monitor did not show anything at all. Was it more of a dream to my father? He might have been generating images out of my voice. He might had had been dreaming. But would deceased dream too?
“Phay, do you recognize me?”
There was a short pause.
“ha, sis, I am astonished now, I don’t think a 20 yrs old possibly could have a child as big as you. Are you okay, sister?” he giggled. That was very my father to be all giggling. He had very big teeth and always wore wide smile. He was very good in nature, honest, humble and indecisive.
Given that my father was 20, it could have been the past. My father had not been dead yet. He was very, surely alive. He was not suffering from any of the monstrous pain. The unsettling urge to see my 20yrs old father confounded me. Only after hearing his age, I then realized his voice also sounded younger. 20yrs old, that was 10 years before I was born. That was 1988 April, four months before 8888.
I didn’t know how to explain everything to my father. It could have been a dream anyway. More importantly, he had been dead.
“what year is this, dad?” I asked.
Out of confusion, he giggled again. Oh, his chuckle. I had been missing this all these years.
“this damn perplexing thing, but anyway, oddly enough, I forgot which year it is. Maybe, that will nullify each other’s insanity ”
I was pretty sure that he was smiling at me. And it was also damn sure enough that I was in his dream which meant that he had met me in his dream before I was born.
“as it was already strange enough, you should believe that I am your daughter. I am 25yrs old now”
“ well, then, you are from future, time-travelled?”
He sounded amused.
“it is not but anyway, it would be easier to assume that way. From the time’s point of view, it is future indeed”
“then, I can ask about future”
He sounded amused.
“Of course, I am willing to tell you everything. Future, future. You will meet mom couples of years from now. You two will get married 7years later and will have two girls, three years apart. Life, I won’t say, it would be very easy. And you will die 29 years later, which means not so many, very sad, right? You sure lived too short, dad. There will be so much of hardships with two of us, your daughters. But, overall, you had a great life, you will have a great life. You never had any big accident, oh I almost forgot, there was one, but that was not so big. Mom loves you a great deal. We love you too. You were a great father, a loving and caring father to us. You were loyal, not quite responsible, husband to mom. You were never forgotten”
“That was so specific, by the way” he replied in unserious manner.
“Ain’t you sad that you only have 29years more to live?”
“29 seems too long to me”
“oh, hell no, dad, that’s very selfish of you to say that. Only if you know how I had to live through all these years with grief, guilt and despair. On top of that, only if you know how much you wanted to spend more time with us. You always wanted to see my graduation, did. You didn’t live up to that wish.”
I was shaken.
He might also have moved by my words too.
“I am deeply sorry if I had made you suffer this much even though I am as confused as hell to accept what you are saying is true. But seeing your tears shattered me. You sure do have similar features as me though, especially your eyes. I would have more convinced if I have a chance to see your smile. If I ever have any child, I might wish they have my smiles. You are very small in figure and also thin. Should you be eating more, I guess”
I had no control over my expression on this machine. I was not crying at all. Similarly, I could also not (fake a smile) smile at him. In the realm of that unreality, only the realest emotions were to be conveyed. Covering up emotions was rather a difficult function to be put in a game, I convinced myself.
“I can’t smile , I am afraid, I wish I could”
“That’s very unfortunate. A person from future who doesn’t know how to smile. The future must be the time of hardship and torment. Smiling is the easiest to me. It is the easiest expression that I sometimes wish I could be smiling less”
“Dad, what have you been doing these days?’
At that point, he even stopped to question his existence as my father. Maybe, he just ignored the fact.
“Nothing, just hanging with my brothers. As a 20yrs old, there’s a hell less to worry and a hell much to worry at the same time. I have been wasting my time. I thought I was already a failure. If you are sure my daughter and you were being sincere, I think I never wasted any time in my life. Everything was to meet you all, then. No one could be any luckier than me”
“Are grandma and grandpa sound? Oh, how I missed them”
“Old man as always been busy. Mom as always been busy with her house chores. Old man ain’t shit”
I chuckled.
“I see. You have the same smile as me. But your teeth are small while mine big. Your mom might have small teeth then, how’s the other one. Does she also have small teeth as you?”
I realized that he could see me unfiltered.
‘No, she has big teeth as you. It is said that she looks like you a lot. Dad, I am sorry. The suffering you had had to experience is still haunting me. I am sorry that I couldn’t save you”
There was a pause.
“I am glad that you visited me, given nothing really makes sense to me now, it’s insane to say that way. It’s 10years more, I have to wait 10 years more to see you, then. But what’s with that all luck, I am blessed with the future I will not be witnessing, which is you, this grown up , 25 years old woman, you don’t look that old though (he giggled). Any kind of dad in this world would be proud of you. Your “sorry” can make a dad’s heart withered, you know? If I were your dad, I would not want you to cling to the past, be lingered to the nightmares. I might want you to move on. I want you to move on. After all, after his death, my own death according to you, he , I will not be able to console you or blame you. It was the end. Probably that’s why you had to visit to the past, not to the future to resolve your grief and guilt. Let’s say all these things you told me are true, then after 10 years, we may not be able to communicate anymore. I will have to lose my 25years old daughter to embrace my newborn baby you. Do you see something now? if I don’t leave 25yrs old you, I won’t be able to see newborn you and all these things would have never happened. That’s the core value of letting things go. I think that’s what you need now”
His voice was ethereally charming and peaceful. As if he was trying to console me, as if he was resonating my internal conflict. I wished I could embrace him. That was a lot to take. I was overwhelmed.
“Dad, I am sure you are now living in 1988, probably a part of darkest days are there. You will be witnessing something no human should be. Blood, sacrifices, deaths, hopelessness, despair, ... every word you can imagine for a war”
“I believe it’s already starting now. We are damn broke. The demonetization of notes left us penniless. Those damn bastards. Will there ever be the end to those monsters?”
“I don’t know. I sure don’t know. Dad, the horridness of war has made me numb. I am trembled, the journey seems eternal. I know, I know, every journey has an end which makes a journey , a journey. But it seems eternal. I am trembled at the sights of starvation, ash, deaths, blood, lamentation, misery, barbarity, helplessness, incompetence, chaos, separations. I wish I could embrace them all. I wish I could console them all. I wish I could dry their tear. Dad, I am despaired. Dad, I am burning. Dad, I am dying. Dad, please show me the way. Dad, please embrace me. Dad, please console me. Dad, please dry my tear. Dad, please let me live. It seems a demon was summoned to grab my heart and drain my blood bit by bit. Have I been the sinner, have we been the sinners to them? I think time has stopped. It is not moving at all. Or I am trapped at a point while the time past me, leaving me alone. I am terrified. Has the world always been that ugly and indifferent? How can birds sing amid the tormenting cry of those helpless children? How can breeze be so soft and sound amid the fire shallowing those helpless old people? How can springs be flowing silently amid the tears of all those lovers and their separations? How can I be moved by the smile of a stranger amid this hideousness of all? Oh, how I wish this whole damn world to be burnt in hellfire? Oh, how I wish this whole damn world to be enchanted with love and music? Where do the dead ones go? It is no use, you are not dead. You died but. The absurdity. Is death even real? If death is not real, does this mean life is not real to start with? I want to slit those devils’ throat. Yet I am terrified at the sight of blood. I am weakened by the sight of blood. I wish, the death to summon itself and overthrow the injustice from this world, at the expanse of my life. Have the Gods of Life and Death been whimsical on the blood of gullible children? Will there ever the end to this torment?”
There was a pause.
“Shhh. Shhhh. Don’t cry. Of course, there will be the end to this torment. When? I do not know. I am not wise enough to answer this question. Only Buddha would know, don’t you think so? And I think you may not want to know what the resolution will be, do you? Only Buddha can endure the indifference of the certainty. Only Buddha can beat the enemy which He has known that He has already won. Uncertainty gives birth to hope. We , unsettled being of attachment, live upon hope and ambiguity. I believe, with those uncertainties, we can sneak away from reasons and reach the realm of utmost sentimentality. I am by no mean denying the nobility and practicality of reasons. Sentimentality is the cocaine. Under excruciating pain, is it not sensible to administer it? But you see, cocaine itself won’t heal the cut or wound or whatever you name it (pause). There the essence of reason lies. This seems not as easy as it says. It necessitates indomitable spirit. Be resilient. Shhh shhh don’t you cry”
There was silent. I was again left alone with my sob. The woman said I could talk as long as I want, right. I was still in the game. But it seemed that my father had gone. The music started to play again. With the feeling of inadequacy, I touched the screen with my palm. How I wished I was touching my dad’s palm as we used to do. The connection seemed lost. I was lost again. I better moved on. I gave the final glance at the screen. There was no logical explanation at all. Was there any place I could have had the case reported? I remembered the lady told me that I could get the shoes outside the room. The bazaar did she say. I was not really yearning for any pair of shoes. I was almost to forget the lack of shoes in me. Nonetheless, I wanted to explore more into game. I knew that there was no such space (at least big enough) to accommodate such a bazaar behind the sport center. Was it a virtual place? I thought it might have been the football court. But I was perplexed. At that point, I was already detached from reality. More like I was euphoric. I didn’t feel the floor at all. I had an urge to touch something. Reminiscing the touch to the screen, I placed my palm against my face. That was euphoric indeed. I was euphoric. There was something between my palm and face. Not that of the resistance but more of a thin, delicate , silky fabric. My body was not touching anything at all. I didn’t feel anything, not even my hair. Could have that been my dream? I was confused as I could have been. But I was urged to find the door and wanted to go there and have a look at the bazaar. How worse could this be? Let the unreality shattered as it was, I was not afraid.
Presently, I paved myself way to the door among the dazzling people – gameplayers. It seemed more people had joined the game. The door (seemingly) was right around 45 degree to the south from the main counter I came in. Opening the door with suspicion, I was presented to the dim lighted bazaar, full of street vendors, small pop-up shops. There were rather a very large set of people wandering. It was not the usual night market I had used to see in Korea. It was very similar to the carnival in my hometown. But there were no big Ferrari Wheel or Entertainment booths. However, the absence of those features did not make bazaar not to look like a carnival. I could feel my childhood there. The game developer could well have been a great study regarding carnivals across different culture (if it was a game). Could the door have been the gate between the reality and unreality. But I had talked with my father behind the door. No way could that been the reality. Even though it was midnight in the piercing cold winter, I was not wearing any jacket, I did not feel the cold at all. I believed the room behind the door might have existed physically, but this outside; the bazaar not. For it was dark, I could not grasp the landscape. But the atmosphere was sensed as my hometown. It was warm, wet, yellow, loud and lusty. On all of that, it was familiar to me. I thought I obscurely heard some tunes of Burmese fork music, very lively and intoxicating. I was not so sure whether that was exactly Burmese or of any other Asian fork music. Families which I could not distinguish their race or origin. Not that of the room behind, the street was full of chattering, most of them are indistinguishable to me. I could not catch which language they were using. Kids holding sweets and balloons, giggling and smiling freshly. Young lovers holding each other’s hand as if there were only two of them. Flowers shops, toy shops, snacks of all kind; some I are known to me , while others being peculiar, clothes and shoes, small to large shops with dangling materials. Shop owners were rather sweaty and hustling. I was to get the shoes myself first. The ladies had told me that I could get anything I wanted I in the game. But did it also mean no money would be needed. I contemplated the street. I could not see the end of the street. The shops and people were seen as my eyes could possibly see. A sudden delightful emotion passed through my heart. My mind was as light as a papillon swaying with the summer breeze. I was intoxicated with lack of unhappiness. The still mind.
I walked alone into the streets among the preoccupied people. I stopped in front of a shop laying only shoes and bracelets. There was no one except one old man sitting alone. The shoes were of all kinds, colorful, different sizes and different categories.
Presently, I picked up a pair of sandals. It was ivory , simple sandals which I used to wear a lot back in home. I did not have any money. But had not I been told that I can get anything in the game?
“Good choice, there is only a pair left and you have got that” the old man said in a cold, coarse voice. I was shocked that he was using my native tone. He was Burmese. I was convinced that he could have been the mob.
“You are lying”
“yes, haha” the old man chuckled.
“I can just take this, right? That’s what I was told once I joined the game”
“Hell no, what’s with that nonsense. Nothing is free. If you not got any money, you are not to get anything here. I don’t know what’s with that all the games. You must be like one of the game addicts out there in the street in my neighborhood. Young people, not having a mind to explore life and addicted to game. You don’t look like one though (he looked away for a second and then continued). Are you mentally challenged or something? Oh, poor thing” he rather spoke slowly and steadily. I was convinced that he was a mob. Only a mod would not to know that they are in the game.
“I am sorry, it seems there was some misunderstanding. I don’t have any money”
“have you checked your pocket?”
“no. it can’t”. I unconsciously checked my pocket in the pant and found some notes. The notes were not like any other notes I have seen. There was no unit. Only some random numbers were written but the layout was similar to many other notes I have had seen. There was no signature, state’s name or figure.
The old man smiled with satisfaction.
“there, there, many people just don’t make enough effort to see what they have. No?”
I laughed.
“how much is the shoes then”
“it’s only 2”
“2 what?” I puzzled.
“just 2. You have to give me two. Two notes or just two. It doesn’t matter. But you have to give two to get this pair of shoes. You can’t tear one to make it two though ”
I did not fully understand what he meant but handed over a note which said two.
“Here you go. Shoes are yours. Do you want anything else? You can get a whole shop with that two”
“But did not you say that those shoes are two? Does this mean the other stuffs are free?”
“ no. There is nothing free here. When it is said two , it is two”
I knew that there was no point to argue.
“Do you need anything else?” he asked.
I skimmed the bracelets. I thought I could get one. The bracelets were of all kinds. I picked one with a small pearl. The chain must have been made with silver. Very simple and pretty one. I gave a glance at the shop owner and asked whether I could get this one. He nodded. I wore that around my wrist.
A sudden inquisitive instinct of mine kicked in. I wanted to talk with the old man and get something to be known to me.
“oh by any chance, I know it doesn’t make any sense, are you also a game player here?”
He already told me that was nonsense. But I gave it a go.
He looked perplexed. It was also possible that he had been lying to me.
He looked away for a while.
“I don’t think I am. If I was a game player and this is a game, I don’t think I will have to experience all those miseries. Do you?
He did not look like he was lying. I always got easily deceived. But that was not important.
“Yeah I have never thought about it. Reality first or suffering first. I sure do not know?”
He smiled.
I also smiled.
The shoes perfectly fitted to me. I felt satisfaction.
“Do you have any family? They live near?” I asked.
“yes, yes, I do. They live in nearby town. Like 30 minutes by bus”
“Do u mean Yangsan, Busan or Daegu?”
“I don’t even know those towns exist. I live in T293”
“but you are using Burmese, no?”
“I am using the standardized language after all. The language families are kind of past things. I read it somewhere, at least I think so”
“so, people here use this same language. So, people across the globe are using the same language now -people from different races. Am I correct?”
“it seems getting absurd now. I don’t know what the word “race’ means but it is true I have never heard anything that I don’t understand”
“but you know, I could not understand from those people in the street. I thought they were using a foreign language. But , hearing what u said, I am far to get resolution.
“oh, it’s not unusual at all. Not all words are to be heard. Life is too short to hear all the words, life is too short to listen to all the words. Life is that precious”
“Acceptable. Can you please tell me which year it is now? Let’s say I have lost all my memory”
He looked at me with a pinch of suspicion. He also seemed confused.
He did not answer my question. He looked perplexed.
Suddenly, I felt a touch on my shoulder. Turning back, there was no one.
I continued.
“you said with two, I can get a whole shop. Then why are you here, painstakingly selling those shoes and bracelets? You can just throw away every thing and enjoy all the luxury”
“Because that’s my role. My role assigned is to sell those shoes and bracelets. Otherwise, there will be nothing for me to live. I am disgusted by those shoes and bracelets. But those shoes and bracelets define who I am. I am attached to the very feeling of it. But though. I don’t really know whether I have actually wanted to sell those. One day, I found myself sitting here selling shoes and bracelets and I keep coming to this place, in rainy days, cloudy days, sunny days, windy days. Then at a point, I stopped questioning. And then here I am. Waiting for my year 80”
The old man’s coarse voice was almost like coming from far far away.
“is it not deserting then?”
The old man shook his head heavily.
“No. No. that is rather incomplete notion of life. Even though my days are the same, each day is new. The tree will bear flowers each year but the flowers are not the same. There is the essence of time tricks a magic in life”
There was a very long pause. The old seemed to be immersed in his own thought.
“Well, I better move on. Hope I can see you again”
Being attentive again, he nodded with a glimpse of smile.
“Very well. So long”
We smiled at each other.
Presently I left the store and traced the street. The market place was still congested with loud, and chattering crowds. I walked alone the street. The smell of the food was very profound.
I was walking along the street for a while, still I could not see the end of the street. But it was darker and darker as I walked. The voices were quieter as I walked. The lack of unhappiness left me. I was alone with my chronic gloominess. Unlike my first impression, the people eyes seemed overflowing with sadness. Every one was isolated. Amid the loud and chattering crowd, everyone seemed lonely. If everyone was lonely, what made the street lively? if everyone was lonely, what made the world so lively? There must be some external, unmanly intervention to intoxicate the lives with illusion.
I stood and looked at the food store. It was not a store to say. There was only one tray with full of snacks. The tray was set on the stove. I could sense the extreme heat from there. I even got sweaty from that. Besides the stove was a man and a woman, immersed in their own world. Were they lonely too? I was not to know.
I had been there for quite a long time. Maybe more than two hours. But did not the lady say I would only get two hours? The game was still keep going, at least I thought so. I felt a sudden rush of anxiousness. It seemed to me that the street was endless. I was lost. I could have retreated to the door I came in. I turned back to the place I came in. On my way back, I realized every thing I saw was gone. More like everything was regenerating with time. The old man was gone, his shop was also gone. The street seemed infinitely long. The heart started to pound so harsh. I was convinced that I had been trapped. By whom? But why? That could have been one of my nightmares, out of chemical imbalance. I was very restless. But did not the ladies tell me that once the time was to up, the game would be force stopped. The shoes were with me there. Even bracelet was still on my wrist. Convinced, I was still in the game. There must have been something wrong or the game might have been meant to be played this way. What difference could this make? I had to enjoy the game. Afterall, people were still with me. I gave up the plan of retreating and kept walking along the street. There I saw a cat. A while furry thing sneaking around the feet of hustling people. I remembered the cat well. That was the cat I had been feeding. The cat might have also sneaked into the game somehow. The cat seemed did not see me. I had an urge to pat. Frustrated already, I dismissed my urge and kept walking.
Despite my anxiety and unsettling feeling, everything else was (seemingly) normal.
Then, I felt a rush beside me. I felt that something stroked my arm. That was the first touch I got to perceive. That was a person who passed me. I stood and stared at his back. He was so tall and thin (unusually). He walked passed me. After 5 , 6 steps, he paused. He looked me back. He stood there and stared at me. We stared each other for a while. It seemed time had stopped. Slowly, he walked towards me. Presently, we were only one step away.
“There you are. I was looking for you”
I was perplexed. With bewilderment, I could not process what he was or what he said. He seemed very familiar to me. Yet I could not figure out who he was. But I was sure he was forgotten to me. This knowledge assured me that he was known to me at a point.
“I am sorry but I can’t figure who you are. Are you also the game player here?’
He smiled with compassion and shrugged.
“it is not important. It’s normal that you don’t know me. You are not to know me from the start”
“but you look like someone I know”
“it is also not the most important thing. But let’s give it ago. Look at my face closer, there is the answer. I believe you are ready to know”
He smiled so softly. His face was very familiar to me. I scrutinized his face for a while. I was right. He was also right. He has my face but in a masculine way.
“You look like me. You are the masculine representation of me. If I have identical twin brother, it could have been you. But I don’t remember I have one”
He giggled. His theatrical gestures mesmerized me.
“I am far from your twin brother. More importantly, I am not you. It is very true that we have similar face, I would even say we have identical face. We are more like the same liquid put in two different containers. Might the hormones have been playing a great role here. Excuse me for all sweat over me. ”
I realized he was soaked in sweat.
“Are you going somewhere? You can go. I have to wait for the end of the game. I have done everything here. But seems there is something wrong with game. The game is still going. I do not understand why”
He giggled.
“Oh man, you are holding the concept of your own time. Time here has no relation to yours. For your question, yes, I was going somewhere. But I had reached my destiny - which is you. I was looking for you. I am to accompany you till the end of the game”
I did not try to understand his words. I thought there was no point to make any sense out of this game.
“But you are aware that this is in-game, right? Then why are you rushing so hard? I think there is no need to be hurry. It will end it when it ends.”
“No. You do not need physical presence to experience the reality. Only memory is enough to induce the reality, it is enough to drain your blood, drop by drop. Here you are not dying anyway. But there will be death. And you will fear it. Simply because you know what death is. Actually, your soul live more than your body do. Soul has past, present and future while the body not. A soul can outlive time and space. We can rewind, predict, hope, wish and everything. A soul can perceive the suffering of others. We do not need to lose our beloved just to transcend into the realm of misery imposed by two separated lovers. We do not need to cut our own wrist to understand the convulsion of a silent suicide of our friends. Don’t you think your soul suffer more than your body is put to suffer? No man in this world has ever been put to the hell but even the most cynical person would terrify at the idea of hell. This could be because we have been building a sublime, a collection of suffering out of the sufferings we have experienced. We manifold the cut we had, to understand the bigger cut. And we are capable of it to certain extent. Even beyond that extent, we do suffer them as a concept. It has never been wise to push your experience of suffering more than you can. It seems absurd. You can’t anyway. When you are to run, you are to run even if you have known that this is unreal. Because you have learned to do so. Of course, it would be more fun if you are not conscious of this unreality. But haven’t you been imposed to the reality and uncertainty enough from the place you came. It would be good, sometimes, to play a game of fixed ending. Otherwise, you will be exhausted. It won’t be fair to yourself. I hope you got my point”
I did not try to understand his word.
“But I have reached the end. What am I do to for the remaining time?
He attentively nodded.
There was a pause.
He looked at me with a certain consolation.
Then he continued “I understand very well. You know it is not uncommon in life, sadly. Some people live their 80yrs of life by the very first 30years. They have to just wait for the end of the life for the remaining 50 years. Just like you. They are doomed to wait for the life to end itself. This very self-alienation has always been there. Few chose to get away with the soul and many chose to remain with the body. Either way is a hellish torture to both body and soul. You will see those who chose to remain with the body endure this blood draining torture by sneaking away, or rather distracting oneself from the very thought of it. They are not cowards by any mean. They are rather enchanted with the hope – the hope that the soul and body will reconcile one day. The hope is to be fulfilled to only a subset of them, sadly.”
There was a pause. He smiled heavenly. I had an urge to hug him. I was not to know how and why I had felt that way. It came very naturally to me. A very delightful feeling rushed through my heart. I was very familiar to him. He could have been a unified image of myself, my dad, my first love and my long-lost friend. But could have been more than that. There was a subset of him which was peculiar to me.
He continued.
“As I said, I am to accompany you till the end of the game?”
“Are you some sort of guide or so?” I asked in sarcasm.
“No, I am very much far from being your guide. I can’t guide you anywhere, I am just to be there. That’s all”
I could not fully understand what he was saying.
“Then, I will just go as long as the street goes, you are free to come with me”
With my words, I decided to walk along the street. This time, I was not alone. Among the dazzling people, we talked several things. No other people except two of us could hear us.
“May I ask why do you have to look for me? How long have you known me?”
I asked as we walked along side by side.
“I did not know you. But I had known that I have to meet someone and that one turns out to be you”
“what if you are wrong?”
“oh, there would be other chances to make it right. There is nothing to lose anyway”
I felt lack of unhappiness. That was peaceful.
“It is so peaceful here. I wish I could live forever here”
He stopped.
“no, you can’t. this is not your place. This is not my place either”
He put his palm against mine. I felt the touch.
“it is weird, I could not feel even my own touch but yours”
He chuckled.
“Silly you. How can you feel the touch of mine if you can’t feel the touch of your own? Now, try to hold your hands together. C’mon try it”
I contemplated my own palms. Confused, I tried to hold it. He was right, very right. At that point, nothing was making sense to me. There was no in-between. Either I was overwhelmed with extreme emotions or not feeling anything at all. Was it the principle of this game?
We continued walking for some time. As we walked, there were fewer and fewer people. It was darker and darker.
“Don’t you think we have reached the end of the street?” I asked.
He seemed unsettled.
The voices of the people seemed far left behind us. But we kept walking.
“We are not yet, but it seemed near. You are to go. The game has been being force-stopped. It’s no good”
His restlessness quickly ignited mine too. I was urged to go. I did not understand why but I was to go. There was nothing to do but to go.
We ran. I did not know from whom or to where. I kept running. It was darker and darker and finally complete darkness. I kept running.
We ran for I did not know how long. At a point, I started see the dim light of the room where I came from. I was relieved but also unsettled. I was more and more closed to reality in the game. The breath, the touch, sensation, every thing was becoming more and more real. I stopped questioning why I started running for it was too real. I did not need a reason to ascertain that reality.
We stopped running at a place where I could see the room vividly. I could see people were still there.
“You are ready to go” he said rather very heavily.
“But how about you, did u not say that this is not your place?”
“Yes, I said and it is true. This is not my place and yours is not my place neither. I came from a different place. I am rather trapped here. ”
“But you are here. Why can’t I?
“Why should you? You have your own place and it is one step away. You are to go now. If you want, you can come back anytime. At least for this time, please give it a go. Despite hardships and torments, please have a daring soul for at least one last time. There will be another festival, believe me. I will be here. I want you to be here but I wish you won’t come again. I wish you don’t have to hide from the reality- for the reality has been too hush to you ”
It disheartened me. I was sad, unbearably. I wish I could embrace him.
Then, we embraced for how long only God would know. I thought time had stopped.
We released each other’s arms.
“There you go”.
He turned back and ran away into the darkness.
I could not even say a final word.
There I was left alone with myself.
I walked slowly towards the room.
I opened the door I came in and redeemed my shoes.
I saw the white cat behind me.
The piercing cold awaited me.

THE END